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Average Man

Chapter 3 - Growing Up
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During the time when the Cuckoo Hall Lane estate was being built in the field behind my home I had many opportunities to explore the site after the workmen had left for the day, climbing up ladders and jumping from scaffolding into piles of sand, but my favourite excursions were still to places on the other side of the nearby railway line.   I would make my way to the end of Cuckoo Hall Lane, which terminated at a gate covered with  corrugated iron sheets which was intended to prevent access to the railway line which ran into London's Liverpool Street station.  The formidable barrier was not totally effective, however, as a trench had been scooped out in the soil at the bottom of the gate, through which children could wriggle.  When I was quite small, children's visits usually just involved putting halfpennies on the line to await a train that would flatten them into the size of pennies, but as I grew older, I would adventure further by climbing around the side of the gate on the other side of the track, into a lane that ran up to Ponders End station.  On the left up this lane was a sewage farm, where several large circular filter beds had long wire-supported pipes rotating above them spraying liquid from which solids had been extracted in an adjacent building.  This separation process could be seen through the windows of this unit, but it was not a pretty sight!

Further up the lane was a wood yard, where planks sawn from large logs were piled up in the open air for natural seasoning.   Separating the planks to allow air flow around them were long sticks, some of which had been discarded after use and could be liberated from the yard, to be used for pole vaulting over the stream on the railway side of the lane.  These sticks were quite thin, and not really designed for this purpose, so would sometimes break in the middle of a vault, causing the make-believe athlete to drop into the water.  Unfortunately, the stream, officially identified as the Brimsdown Ditch -  but known by another name by locals - ran through the coal yard at Ponders End station, where it acquired a cargo of coal dust.  Arriving home in filthy clothes after one of these mishaps, my mother would berate me, saying something like - You've been playing in that Black Dyke again, haven't you!'

Turning right instead of left, I would come to a water-filled old clay pit - locally known as the Blue Lake - the nearest bank of which was beside the chain link fence of the sewage farm.  On the other side of this fence was the area where the solids from the farm were deposited, and where one could see giant green vegetation.  I later learned that this mainly consisted of tomato plants - the seeds of which apparently pass unharmed through human digestive systems - which had grown huge by being in soil so extremely rich in natural fertiliser!   The shortest way to the most interesting areas of the lake was along this bank beside the farm, but its first section had fallen away over the years leaving a wet, slippery edge.  It was necessary to cling onto the wires of the fence to cross this gap, which a fairly easy task for bigger boys, but very difficult for younger and smaller ones.  It was at this spot that I had lost my grip on the fence and nearly drowned years before.

I was often alone on my forays away from home, but on one occasion I met up with some other lads, and together we made a voyage to a small island on the lake upon which we seen some swans.  We sailed on the raft that was always present there, which had been made from railway sleepers, probably taken from the old abandoned track nearby that had been laid years before to remove excavated clay.  When we reached the island, the first boy ashore shouted that he had found the swan's nest, so everyone else rushed excitedly to the spot, leaving no one on the raft, which, unnoticed, drifted away.  When the loss of our lifeboat was spotted, an argument developed as to who should have to plunge into the muddy water to retrieve it.  This dispute was only resolved by one lad actually offering to do the job, since, as he boastfully declared, he was the best swimmer present.   After stripping to his underpants, he attempted a quite stylish looking dive into the lake, but this ended in a shallow belly-flop as the water was only about two feet deep at that point!   He could have reached the raft by removing just his shoes and socks, without even having to take off his trousers. On other occasions I would often angle in the lake for sticklebacks and redthroats, using just a worm on the end of some strong cotton.  No hook was needed as I could see the fish in the shallow water, and whipped up the line at the moment when I saw that one had the end of the worm in its mouth.  My catch would be brought home in a jam jar, along with any newts that I had also found, to be placed in an old tin bath outside our back door.

When I ventured to the far end of the lake I would encounter what we called the moving bog.   This was a strange area where water plants and grass had grown all the way over the top of an outlet of the lake that fed into the River Lea, forming a sort of wobbly mass which could be walked upon.  It was on a visit to this phenomenon one day that I went on a little further, to cross the Lea at Picketts Lock, and somehow found my way up the bank of the adjacent William Girling Reservoir, which was in the final stages of its construction.  After finding a tree branch leaning against the concrete side, I climbed down into the vast area, light-heartedly musing about how quickly I could get out if someone turned the tap on.  However, I did not venture far from the tree branch as it was the only means of getting out, as to do so I needed to get up over the very large curved overhangs at the tops of the concrete sides about ten feet above.  The reservoir was completed in 1951, so I would have been ten or eleven at the time.  Perhaps this exploit demonstrates the massive amount of freedom I had whilst growing up - although possibly a rather more than most - compared with the restrictions on the children living as I write this in 2025. 

The William Girling and 1912 King  George V reservoirs were sited either side of Lea Valley Road, which ran from Ponders End to the bottom of Kings Head Hill, Chingford.  It was along this road that I and other pals would ride in a 102 bus, or on our bicycles, to get to Epping Forest, another haunt of my younger years, probably with some sandwiches supplied by our mothers.   After visiting Queen Elizabeth's Hunting Lodge beside the Royal Forest Hotel, we would play on the grassed area where fairs were sometimes held, or among the trees of the forest, making our way sometimes to Connaught Waters to hire a rowing boat.  Towards the end of the afternoon, if we had arrived by bus, but later spent the money we should have saved for transport home, we would have to walk.  Our route would take us beside an old POW camp, past an obelisk bearing a brass plate marking the Greenwich Meridian, and down a slope upon which I would toboggan in later years with my children, to arrive near the bottom of Kings Head Hill.   A little further on we would reach the Lea Valley Road, and the ensuing long walk between the fences guarding the reservoirs would seem interminable to our tired bodies, and we would argue bitterly about who had suggested that we spend our return bus fares.

Ponders End station was visited often, usually to collect train numbers, but was where I had always had an irrational fear of falling through the steps on the upper section of the stairs used to cross the line when the crossing gates were shut.   This was due to the fact that, unlike the lower sections, these steps had no risers, and I could see through the gaps to the rails below, so I always clung to the sides when going over the top.  Train numbers were also sometimes collected during trips to Liverpool Street station, and it was on one of these that, when leaning out of the carriage window, I got some grit in one eye - probably coal dust contained in the smoke from the train's steam engine.  A little old lady, on seeing my distress, suggested holding the affected eye closed with my fingers, whilst blinking the other.  Being a polite little boy (?) and not wishing to appear rude by ignoring her advice, I did as she directed and was amazed to find that the cure worked immediately.  I thanked her profusely, and ever since I have watched out for incidents where I could pass on this tip.  Whilst at Liverpool Street I would always spend sixpence on the machine that punched out metal labels with letters selected on a large dial by a rotatable brass pointer.  I never actually found a use for these labels, upon which I punched my name, but I really enjoyed the experience of their production. 

One day it was from Ponders End station that I set off with Bob Cherry, a schoolmate who had to wear callipers on one leg, to go to Broxbourne, a couple of stations along the down line.  I can't recall if we were playing truant, but Bob had somehow obtained what seemed to me a rather large sum of cash, from which he paid for everything that day, including the hire of skiffs on the River Lea.  I found rowing one of these an exhilarating experience, but was bemused by the fact that I could not see where I was going.   On our arrival home, we popped in to Bob's house, where his mother offered us something to eat, suggesting sausage sandwiches.   I had never eaten one of these before, and the combination of warm soft white bread containing halves of delicious brown sausages, with some brown sauce, proved to be wonderful.  When I arrived home, I demanded to know why Mum had never served such delights in the past, but got the impression that they were the sort of thing that only people from Council Houses regularly ate.   Another trip to Broxbourne with Bob was for an overnight stay in a tent on the greensward on the banks of the Lea, and we set off eagerly early one morning carrying all our equipment and copious supplies of food supplied by our two mothers.  On our arrival, after we had pitched our tent on the grass a little way back from the towpath, we were attracted to look at some ducks and swans swimming on the river.  When the birds moved away, we turned back towards our tent, only to see that some cows, who we had not noticed before, had moved from their previous pasture to investigate our camp.  In doing so, they had trampled our tent into the grass, but more disastrously had rummaged around in our provisions and gobbled at all our food!  The was no point in staying with a damaged tent and no eatable fare, so we made our way back home, to arrive, very crestfallen, at still only about eleven o'clock in the morning.

As I grew up a little, I was one day allowed to join my brother's pals on a bicycle ride to Broxbourne, which was not a great success as at the end of the long tiring ride, I struggled to keep up with them on the way home.  This was partly due to the fact that my smaller bike only had twenty-four inch wheels compared with their twenty-six inchers.  However, one good result of this trip was that on the outward journey, which had taken us along The Crooked Mile that started at Waltham Abbey, I had noticed an avenue of Horse Chestnut trees off to one side of the road.  That September, I remembered this avenue and persuaded some friends to join me on a visit there, to see if we could get some conkers.  Collecting conkers usually involved the repeated throwing of a fallen branch up into a tree in the hope of dislodging the spiky fruits, which was very tiring and usually resulted in a very meagre harvest.  However, when we climbed over the gate and walked up the avenue, we were delighted to find quite a lot of conkers already lying on the grass under the trees, and could also see more brown shapes peeping out of green cases above.  We hoisted one of our group up into the lower branches of one of the trees, with instructions to climb as high as possible and shake the top of the trunk backwards and forwards.  This he did, resulting in a virtual thunderstorm of conkers raining down on us waiting below.  Other boys took their turns up only another couple of trees, which still resulted in us collecting almost more than we could carry.  I had brought a straw bag in which Dad would bring home fish from Billingsgate with me, which was really too large for the expected number of conkers, but was the only one with carrying loops that would fit over my bike's handlebars.  I filled this huge bag to the brim, and when I arrived back home, was able to sell the contents to local children at something like tuppence for ten.

I had another successful escapade at Edmonton Green, involving Salmons Brook, which flowed alongside the Cross Keys pub.  By the early 50's, when I was around eleven years old, the brook had been routed through a culvert so that it ran under the old railway track and below The Broadway. Wearing my plimsolls under my dad's wellies, armed with a torch, and accompanied by another lad, we managed to climb over a fence down into the brook, and started to splash through the water in the culvert. It was very dark, and we prayed that our torches would not die on us - as the batteries often did in those days - since there were only occasional glimmers of light shining down from the holes in a few manhole covers in the road above. Progress was fairly slow, and thoughts of turning back kept recurring as we had no idea whether we would eventually find an end to the tunnel. After a while we arrived at a small weir, and, after much deliberation, decided to climb down as it looked to be quite difficult to get back up again without getting totally soaked. The decision to go forward rather than back may have been encouraged by the appearance of two enormous rats behind us, who didn't seem affected by our crying and shouting to try to frighten them off. We continued on for what seemed like ages, but finally began to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. With great relief, we found ourselves in the allotments behind the indoor swimming pools at the rear of the Town Hall, and felt that in exploring this very long subterranean river we had achieved an exploration in the spirit of Captain Scott!

When I was not roaming abroad somewhere, I would join in games played in our street, kicking a ball about or defending the base of a lamppost which was serving as a wicket in a game of cricket.  We also played marbles, using one of the telephone connection inspection covers that conveniently had the crossbar in one of its lifting recesses missing.  Girls would have their own, less active games, such as Queenie, where participants had to avoid being caught actually moving when a girl standing in front with her back to the others suddenly turned round.  We boys sometimes enjoyed tibby-cat, which was played using a stick and a short piece of square wood  - the cat - which had it ends tapered to points.  A home base area about a foot square would be marked out at the edge of the road - using chalk or by rubbing the road surface with leaves from one of the privet hedges in adjacent front gardens - and the cat positioned half way across the edge of the kerb above.  Each boy would have a turn at hitting the protruding end of the cat with the stick to make it jump up, and whilst it was airborne, hit it again so it went as far as possible from the home base.  If the cat was caught by one of the others lads, or the cat dropped into the home base square, the player would be out.  Otherwise, the distance could be increased by repeating the jump and whack process three times, using the stick to hit one of the tapered ends of the cat on each occasion.  The player's score would be noted as the number of paces measured from the cat's final position to the home base, and the next boy would then start his innings.  What our tender modern society would make of a game where youngsters would be attempting to catch a wooden projectile with pointed ends hurtling at great speed through the air, I cannot imagine.

Another street activity was roller skating, and games of hockey, which were played with a tennis ball, and sticks to which another piece of wood had been nailed at an angle.  Goals were defined by coats laid on the road, and the occasional skinned knees and elbows endured by the players were often covered with temporary dressings created by grubby handkerchiefs.  As the steel wheels on skates, which had probably been Christmas presents, gradually wore out, boys would start to think about making a go-cart.  Visits would be made to the rubbish processing plant (The Dump) in Montague Road - which ran from the southward end of Nightingale Road - located a little way past the Cart Over Throne pub.  The name of this establishment always puzzled me, but it was not until some years after the war ended when it reappeared, that I saw that its sign depicted, and was actually labelled, The Cart Overthrown.   Trips would be made to The Dump on a Sunday, when it was closed, but we would get in from its rear to avoid being spotted trespassing.  We would walk over the railway bridge beside the pub, and turn right, towards Tottenham, then carry on until we came to a large metal pipe that crossed the Black Dyke, which was wider and deeper here than back near Ponders End station.  With arms outstretched for balance we would cross the brook on the pipe, and climb through fences on each side of the railway to get to the rear of the potential source of our needs.  These would be wheels and axles from old prams and pushchairs, and we might have to bash things about a bit to separate what we wanted from the bodies.  The return journey would be hampered slightly as we carried our ill-gotten gains homeward, where cart construction could begin using crates and discarded wooden boards.  One vital item that had to be obtained - possibly at The Dump - was a large bolt with preferably, two nuts, which would act as the pivot for the front axle board.  This board could be fitted over or under the board of the main body - there being pros and cons for each position - with a loop of string attached at each side to assist with steering or pulling the cart.  When completed the cart would be subjected to a test run, followed by a session where any problems were resolved, before it would be displayed in the street to great acclaim.   Unfortunately there were no hills nearby, so any races between carts had to be run with human pushers.

Our street would often be visited by a Wall's ice cream van, and I discovered that the lad who drove it shared my interest in crystal set radio receivers.  I had one that I had made, and also another manufactured by Ivalek.  Both used cat's whisker crystal detectors, which employed pieces of galena which could be probed by a wire mounted on a spring-loaded handle, to try to find a spot which would allow a radio signal to be detected. The problem with this arrangement was that sounds could only be heard if the set was already tuned to a station - a chicken-and-egg sort of situation as tuning was only effective if the detector was already detecting!  I was amazed when my friendly ice cream vendor presented me with a germanium diode, a tiny glass bead on a wire, which he assured me could replace the crystal detector, and so do away with the time consuming and fiddly probing/tuning procedure.  This little device awoke in me a life-long interest in electronics which guided my working career.

In the summer months, I would usually be found at the Lido, the swimming pool beside the Henry Barrass Sports Ground near Houndsfield Road School.  From the first visits there I loved that pool, which was only three feet deep at its shallow end, so I could stand in it by myself, unlike the indoor pools at the rear of Edmonton Town Hall which had minimum depths of three feet six inches, so I had to cling to the side rails before I learned to swim.  I did become quite a good swimmer, and spent many happy days at the Lido, becoming friends with members of Edmonton Swimming Cub, including the daughters of the Baths Superintendent who lived in a house beside the pool.   As I later avidly watched TV programs about the undersea activities of Jacques Cousteau, or episodes of Sea Hunt starring Lloyd Bridges, I became obsessed with sub aqua, and got myself some flippers, a mask and a snorkel.   I would be the object of some curiosity in those days as I flapped along at the side the Lido pool wearing these strange accoutrements before I jumped in to sweep around the depths looking for dropped objects.   Another chapter of this epic - Diving - is an account of my later involvement in this sport.  

On one visit to the Town hall pools, wearing my diving gear, I found a brass ring in the shape of a buckled belt, with glass inserts representing the belt holes, and proudly showed this to Mum when I got home.  She realised that the ring was actually gold, decorated with diamonds rather than glass, and insisted that I take it back to the pool immediately - which I did with rather poor grace I must admit.  One evening some days later there was a knock at our front door, to which I was called by Dad, saying the visitor wanted me.  He had called to thank me for returning his ring, which was of great sentimental value as well as being quite valuable, and presented me with a one pound note in gratitude.  I also received a letter from the Baths Superintendent, saying it was the first time in his career that such an expensive object had been returned as lost property.   Some time later he caught me canoodling with his elder daughter on the grass behind the bank at the shallow end of the Lido, but I did not think mentioning his letter to me would help the situation, and got banned for a while.   Another event involving young ladies at the Lido occurred some years later, when my first wife and I were sunbathing in one of the areas which had originally been toddlers' shallow pools.   Laying half asleep on my towel with my eyes closed, I heard someone talking to June, and when I opened my eyes I found that I was looking up at the legs of a girl who had not realised her flounced skirt extended over my head.  The sight of the suspenders, stocking tops, and bare thighs within a frame of pretty petticoats was so unexpected that I instinctively (stupidly ?) closed my eyes and moved away to a less voyeurish position!  To this day I do not understand my reaction to a situation which I might have tried anything to manoeuvre myself into at any other time in my randy 'teens.

In the final year at the new Cuckoo Hall Lane School, I somehow learned that one of the girls liked me - probably from one of her friends, which I believe was normal way such information was relayed.  She was Maureen Greenway, a nice-enough lass, but who was rather small, wore white rimmed NHS glasses, and had a sort of unstylish pudding basin haircut.  I remember that we did talk, but I explained that I was trying to get to know another girl at the school, Joyce Hearndene, so thanked her for her interest in me, which I was sadly unable to reciprocate.  In reality I was madly in love with Joyce, and although I did attend one of her birthday parties, she chose another boy in preference to me.  Perhaps her decision was influenced by the fact that, like a dope, I initially went to her party one week too early.  Somehow, on the way there and back from her home in Warren Close on that day, I lost the rather pretty pearl necklace that I had bought for her. On the correct day, when I frantically realised that the pearls were missing, my mother found an old necklace of my grandmother's that I could give her instead.  Although I was placated, the bright mauve glass of this offering was really unsuitable for an eleven-year-old girl and by offering it I did nothing to improve my chances with her.  I remained besotted with Joyce for some years, although to no avail whatsoever.  Even when she also came to Latymer school a year after me, she ignored me and any attempts at conversation.  The sting in the tail of this sad story is that some years later, when I was living in Ponders End, I would sometimes go back to the Cuckoo Hall Lane estate to attend film nights that were run in a hall there.  On one of these evenings, I spotted this gorgeous long-haired blonde beauty at the show, and when I moved to get a closer view, saw that she had that attractive slightly odd look to her eyes, rather like Marilyn Monroe.   I asked some one if he knew the name of the lovely girl, and he replied - Oh!  That's Maureen Greenway!  I didn't think there was any point in making myself known to her!

My teacher in my last year at primary school was Mr Griffiths, a great educator who I greatly admired.  My top subject was arithmetic, mainly I assume since I had learned my tables very thoroughly in the early years at school, so had more time to think about how to solve a problem rather than struggling with the calculations involved. The modern ideas that children should not learn things by rote is crazy in regard to tables - the rhymes for the products of two numbers stored for ever in my brain are the equivalent of having a calculator ever present in my head!  However, there was one tricky moment which I recall vividly, that happened when we were introduced to Algebra.  The teacher began by posing a problem about an unknown number of apples, which he represented by 'x', and eventually produced the solution that x equalled four.   He then did another example, this time with bananas, but again using x, which he worked out this time as being equal to six.  This incensed me and I immediately stood up and pointed out that he had previously proved x to be equal to four, not six!   Patiently the teacher explained how x, or any other character, was just used as a temporary marker in a problem, not as a fixed entity.   I clearly remember saying Oh! - very loudly - then sitting down, thinking for a bit, and coming to the 
conclusion that Algebra could turn out to be easy and fun! I was always near the top in the class placings, and as expected passed my Eleven-Plus exam.  My preferred choice of top-ranked Edmonton Latymer for a grammar school was accepted, possibly because my brother, Alan, was already a pupil there.

I arrived at Latymer In September 1951, and was placed in class 1C, which was not the bottom level, as there were actually six classes for the lower years.  1A, B and C were taught French in their language classes, D and E learned German, and the duffers in F got Spanish.   I was disappointed not to be in the top class, but although I had been one of the top pupils at my primary school, I was now in the company of lots of other top pupils, some naturally smarter than me.  It may have been that finding myself in the middle caused me to put slightly less effort into my studies, and I began to slowly drop a little down the ranks, despite the efforts of my form master, Eggy Hearne.   One aspect that really made me bolshie was that our French teacher, Madamoiselle Brun, mainly conducted her lessons in French, not English, so I could not always follow what was going on.  It may have been because I missed a few early lessons, or I was just slow at picking up the basic French words she used, but I certainly felt at a disadvantage and resented the fact keenly.  The missed lessons were due to a spell in hospital, for treatment to a hydrocele - a condition where
fluid collects within the layer wrapped around a testicle.  This was almost certainly caused by my playing at Tarzan in the empty bus shelter at Tramway Avenue, probably on the way home from the Lido, when one swing resulted in my legs going either side of one of the supports!  In the weeks following this painful experience, the testicle got larger and larger, until eventually my parents noticed the bulge in my trousers, about which I had been too shy to speak.  The operation, performed at South Lodge Hospital in Winchmore Hill, was successful, but left my left side was thereafter always larger than the right, such that when wearing a swimming costume I appeared more well-endowed than I was.  Even so, everything obviously still worked effectively as years later when my wife gave birth to our two children, each time they arrived well before nine months had elapsed since we stopped taking precautions.    

I always enjoyed the playtimes at Latymer, playing games such as Kingy, a sort of progressive tag which involved throwing tennis balls at each other whilst running around the Tin Tabernacle - a storage building covered with corrugated iron sheets. - or becoming part of one of the two teams in a session of Jimmy, Jimmy, Knacker.   This game began with the members of one of the teams forming a line whilst bent over with their heads between the legs of the preceding boy.  A boy at the front remained upright, leaning against a wall, and was clutched by the first one of the line who had his head safely held against the standing boy's stomach.   When, at last, the line was completed, the boys from the other team would one-by-one run up as fast as they could to the back of the line and leap-frog onto the back of the furthest boy they could reach, to leave as much room behind as possible for those following.  When all the riders were finally mounted, they would sing out the name of the game three times, whilst jogging up and down trying to get their mounts to collapse, and therefore have to repeat being mounts again.   If the mounts remained upright, or any of the riders fell off, the teams would swap over roles.  These contests rarely ran to more than one Go for each side, as it was rather exhausting for both teams.  I doubt that it is played by modern youngsters, who even if they wanted to try it would find it totally banned by the efforts of Educational Authorities, Parents Associations, The local Council or even contributors to Social Media!  

In winter, sports afternoons were filled by kick and rush games of football, but in the summer months when we were offered a choice of cricket or swimming, I naturally always chose the latter.  It was quite a long walk to the open air swimming pool, but even if the water was very cold, i always felt that it was worth the trek. Included in the curriculum were dancing classes, where I became quite expert at the Valeta and the Dashing White Sargent.   I was not so successful in the music classes, particularly when taking a singing test at the time when my voice was in the process of breaking!

I have mentioned my lack of success in making contact with Joyce Hearndene when she joined Latymer in my second year there, so eventually sought a new attachment, with one of my classmates named Hazel.   Although I found her first name delightful, I confess that I cannot now recall her surname.  After many failed attempts to establish contact, it was only by chance really that I once got the opportunity to accompany her on the walk to her home in Galliards Road.  Despite my attempts to stir some attraction to me during this stroll she remained pleasant but totally uninterested, so I gave up my courtship.  I was invited to the birthday party of one of the other girls, but it did not start well when she and her girl friends offered me a sample from a box of some new sweet creations she had received as a present.  These took the form of what seemed to be gelatine balls containing different coloured fluids, and although unusual, looked amazing, so I popped one in my mouth.  Seeing the girls giggling and all looking so keen to see what would happen when the gelatine skin dissolved, I suddenly realised that I had been hoodwinked, and spat the sweet out, intact.   It was a narrow escape, as it turned out that the sweets actually contained fragrant bath oils!   Luckily, a later session of Postman's Knock was quite enjoyable and made up for my earlier ridicule, but I did not make a connection with any of the female participants that lasted after the party ended.
 
Although I was not doing too well at Latymer,  during my second year I chanced to learn that John Evans, who lived at number 49, was attending a Technical School.  After talking to him, about my own practical leanings it seemed that this school might be more suitable for me than Latymer with its more academic goals for its pupils, so I applied for a transfer.   Although my transfer request was made slightly after the period for applications had elapsed, it was accepted, and I completed an examination paper at school, which was fairly similar to ones I had taken before.  However, after that I had to go to Enfield Technical School itself, in Ponders End, to take another test.  This was of the Multiple Choice type, but the answers seemed so obvious to me that I thought that I was missing something as otherwise the test seemed ridiculously easy.  For example, a typical question would show a right-angled triangle with a black dot in one corner as a sample, and I had to pick out an identical one from six or seven other test triangles.  These would be rotated to different angles, but only one test triangle would have a black spot in the same corner as the sample.  I wasted quite a lot of time looking for the catch, but could not see what I was missing, so in the end I thought To Hell with it! and just ticked the obvious solutions, and left the room thinking I had failed the examination.  I had not, however, as it appears that although I have the sort of brain which found the solutions simple, apparently there are other people whose brains work differently, and for whom a technical education would not be suitable.  The chapter titled Enfield Technical School contains details about this aspect of the growing-up stage of my life.

I'm not sure whether it was just a coincidence that I was about to transfer to the local Technical School at that time, but my parents decided to move from the terraced house in Edmonton to a Semi in Ponders End, at 4 Stannards Road.  This was a slightly larger house, but with the wall between the dining room and front room  removed to make one large room.  It had crazy-paving areas with a mock cherry tree on either side of the front path which produced a magnificent display when in bloom each spring.  It may have been because it was a smarter area, with more modern houses than the Victorian dwellings in the nearby Garfield Road, but I do not recall any street activities, apart from a party to celebrate Queen Elizabeth's coronation which actually took place in the alley behind the house on the opposite side of the road to us.  I did play a game one evening, but up in the High Street, at the front of Barclays Bank.  I had come across a reference to a Bull Roarer, but this was not about a sacred object used in Australian Aboriginal religious ceremonies, consisting of a piece of wood attached to a string, whirled round to produce a roaring noise.  A noise was produced however, but by inserting some flammable material into the bottom of a drainpipe and igniting it.  I had previously searched for a suitable pipe with no success, but eventually spotted the one on the wall of the bank.  This was a huge square-section duct which extended up all three storeys of the building, so looked perfect.   Late one evening, when the area was deserted, I pushed some newspaper into the bottom of the pipe, set it alight, and stood back to see if it would work.  It worked far better than I expected, as the up-draught created in such a tall pipe was extremely strong, and a tremendous noise resulted, far louder than I had expected.  Frightened that this din would bring out angry residents, I jumped on my bike and dashed away, with the roarer noise still audible as I pedalled up Garfield Road.

There was a garage accessing the back alley at the rear, but the main attraction for me was a large windowed wooden building almost too big for its name, The Shed, in which I was to spend many hours constructing and experimenting with all sorts of devices.  I made more crystal sets, and a one valve radio, with parts obtained from Frank Mozer's electronics shop near the Regal in Edmonton.  I even obtained an ex-army Number 19 short wave radio set from a shop in Tottenham Court Road in London, but only ever managed to receive decent signals from an amateur radio group who were just up the road in Enfield where they were holding a rally.  My brother Alan had by then enlisted in the RAF, so I got the larger, middle one of the three bedrooms, and he had to use the smallest when he came home on leave.  Dad had made me a bedside cupboard using wood from a non-fishy smelling box he brought home from Billingsgate, and I secretly drilled a hole in the back of it through which I passed the lead of the headphones for my latest crystal set.  This meant that I could close the doors at the front of the cupboard to hide the radio, but listen to it through the hidden headphones whilst appearing to be asleep. I happily listened to many broadcasts of A Book at Bedtime, but did rather frighten myself during the episodes of The Day of the Triffids

I was thirteen when we moved there, and I wondered about the name of our new location, assuming it was a reference to a hermit or some other intellectual character who was renowned for deep thinking.  It was not until some years later - from the Internet of course - that I found its actual origin.  It seems that the family responsible for supplying fish to the monks at Waltham Abbey - from pools probably down beside the River Lea - were known as The Ponders - et voilà.  I soon got to know my way around the area by exploring on my bike, and it was on one of my tours through Scotland Green Road near to The Alma public house that I once again received a communication that a friend of the messenger liked me!    I had noticed the friend in question, and was attracted enough to seek her out.  However my enthusiasm for her soon evaporated, when, supported by his tough-looking gang, a very large boy, who obviously considered himself her boyfriend, warned me off.  Another romantic failure!

To augment my pocket money, I pestered Mr Jennings, the Jewish owner of a grocers shop beside the park in the High Street, for Saturday work.  I eventually got the job - at ten bob a week - when I was in the shop one day when he urgently needed some sausages from his brother's shop at the top of Green Street.  My first task after I returned with the sausages after collecting them on the shop's trade bike was to weigh up bags of washing soda from the contents of a large sack.  I was supplied with scales, a scoop, and a half-pound weight, along with a supply of blue sugar-paper bags.  The scales had a pan that was flat rather than dished like a normal version, and I found it very difficult to get the soda into the bags from the pan without spilling lots on the floor.  Luckily, the youngest of the shop assistants, Lucy, happened to come into the back room before Mr Jennings returned to check my progress, and pointed out the - obvious to anyone but a half-wit - solution was to scoop the soda into a bag before putting it on the scales ready for adjustment.  From that moment I adored Lucy, who I thought looked rather like Doris Day - pictures of which film star often appeared on the advertising board for a local cinema outside the shop.  I was not so keen on Mary, a much older lady who was fat, and had the rather unhygienic habit of licking her fingers before ripping a piece of grease-proof paper off the hook above the counter in which to wrap some cheese or bacon.   My role at the shop was to keep the shelves filled up with products from the store room, sort out the empty biscuit tins in the yard outside into their different brands to simplify their collection during deliveries of new stock, and anything else that needed to be done.  I also occasionally had to clean Mr J's car, which was kept at behind the arcade formed by his shop and another - a car showroom (?).
At the rear of the arcade there was a dental mechanic's workshop, and I became very friendly with the two men who worked there.  Being the inquisitive person I am, I naturally peered through their windows to see what they were doing each time I passed by on my way to burn rubbish from the grocer's shop. They would invite me in, and seemed quite delighted to be able to explain to a receptive youngster how they created false teeth.  I also got on well with the young Australian dentist in the building next door when we enjoyed (?) several sessions as he attempted to remove my painful wisdom teeth.  Some years later, I took advantage of these contacts to get a casting made of my mouth by the dentist, which the mechanics used to make me a top set of false teeth upon which they mounted two extra-large canines.  These fitted over my own, and I wore them at a college fancy-dress dance when I dressed as Dracula.  I do not brag when I say that with some pale makeup, sleeked back black hair, and even blacker beard and moustache, I really looked the part.  So, when I smiled at the lady driver of a car beside me at some traffic lights, revealing the very real looking teeth as well, I did get a very rapid double-take, and she drove off very quickly when the lights changed.

On the other side of the arcade there was an upholsterer's shop, and when Mr Jennings took on a nephew in my place, I got a job there in the evenings and on Saturdays.  This shop was owned by Mr Goodrich, and my first assignment was putting springs on the frames for dining room chairs.  As I gained experience, I also attached the hessian covers that went over the springs, using a magnetic head hammer and a mouthful of - usually dusty - tacks.  There were two benches devoted to these processes, one more rigid than the alternative, and the other young part-timer and I would try to start work first and get the sturdier one, upon which nails and tacks could be hammered in with fewer blows.   We also competed at our favourite job, which was stripping down old chairs and settees ready for re-upholstering, when we would sometimes find money and, occasionally, strange objects such as false teeth which had fallen into  gaps between the padding.

With my earnings from my part-time jobs, I could afford to go to the cinema quite regularly, and would often travel quite a way to see a film that was not on show locally.  One visit was to the Corner Cinema at the end of Seven Sisters Road, Tottenham.  When I came out at the end of the film there were no buses in sight coming from Stamford Hill, so I started running towards the next stop at High Cross.  When I arrived there, I still could not see any buses, so I jogged on a bit further.  This sequence repeated over-and-over again, but it was a dry balmy summer evening, so I continued running instead of riding, and actually travelled all the way home on foot.  Another visit to the same area was to The Astoria, Finsbury Park, further up Seven Sisters Road.  When I left at the end of the show, I saw crowds of people making their way from a back street towards the bus stops and the nearby Tube Station.  Intrigued by where they were all coming from, I walked past them in the opposite direction, and arrived at Finsbury Park Empire, a theatre that I had not known was there.  The doors at the rear were open to let out the early leavers that I had seen, so I crept inside to stand at the back and watch the end of the evening's programme.  On the stage was Max Miller, who I was seeing in the flesh for the first time, performing the final part of his act, which was quite a lot bluer than versions I had watched on TV.  He was extremely funny, but even more impressive to me was the way he held the audience totally the palm of his hand, delivering his innuendo-laden patter in a way that had them in fits of laughter.  A true master of his craft! 

My cinema visits rather reduced when I was about fifteen, because I started going to the Roller Skating Rink at Alexandra Palace.  I quickly realised that to become a decent skater I would have to stop hiring skates at each visit, and get my own pair.  Having saved some of my earnings, I was able to do this, and by going to the rink at least once a week, my skills quickly improved.  I never became good enough to compete with the skating club lads who dominated the speed skating sessions, but I learned to manage the basic steps, so could ask girls if they wanted to partner me in one of the dance periods.  Usually I would dance with a different girl on each of the two week nights I went there, and I started to get into promising relationships with each of them.  Unfortunately, one evening the two girls were both present, and as the dance session approached, I could see them at the end of the rink, side by side, each waiting for me to take her onto the floor.  I chickened out, and ducked into the café out of sight, later explaining separately to each girl that I had slightly twisted my ankle that day so was unwilling to risk any chance hurting her because of an accident when dancing.   I later formed a deeper relationship with one of my partners, a girl named Dorothy, but who preferred to be called Dot.   We became a couple, spending all of the skating evenings together, usually with me skating backwards in front of her during the free sessions.  I would take her home at the end of the evening, to Crouch End, where she resided in a young girl's hostel.  We would sit for a while on a bench in the darkness of the park opposite the hostel for goodnight kiss and cuddle, but would jump apart when someone opened the hostel door and the very bright security light above it shone on us.   We eventually drifted apart, but coincidentally met again on a coach taking holidaymakers to Clacton where I was booked in at Butlins.  Stupidly, I failed to find out where she was staying, so missed an opportunity to meet her and rekindle our friendship.

As I got a little older, with a group of friends that I had made at Ally Pally, I would sometimes go on excursions to other rinks such as the one in Brixton, or another at the Corn Exchange at Cambridge.   The group included a lad named Johnny Seabourne, who lived in Enfield Chase, not far from me as it turned out, and we became firm friends.  Usually called Johnny Farmer, as he drove a tractor for a living, he and I made regular trips to Cambridge on his Francis Barnett motorbike.  This was because, during the group's first visit there, I had met, and become very attracted to, a girl named Maureen.  During our times together during that long summer, on balmy evenings after skating had ended and I was walking her home across the green parklands there seemed to be an almost magical element to the atmosphere.  Despite those wonderful nights, as winter came and travel became more difficult, I am sorry to admit that our relationship faded away. Something very weird happened some years later when by chance I met one of the Ally Pally group, and after mentioning Maureen's name, he told me that she had died ages ago.  I knew that she suffered from anaemia but had not thought it could be life threatening, so was devastated.  It seemed to be too long after her passing to write to her parents, so I felt very frustrated and upset.  However, when I met the same chap again, and mentioned Maureen's death, he denied ever saying that she had died, and insisted that he had only said that she had been admitted to hospital for some urgent treatment.   I did not dispute the matter, as I was so over the moon at this revelation, that I felt like someone who had found a million pounds that he had previously lost.   I wrote to Maureen that evening about the mix up, and shortly afterwards, when I took Mum and my fiancée June - see the First Wife chapter - on a trip to Cambridge in Dad's car, we visited her and chatted about the false report of her demise over afternoon tea. 



I did have a try at ice skating for a while, at the rink in Streatham, and even though I got my own skates - the boots for which are more supportive than those for roller skating as one's ankles have to remain locked rather than flexible - I never really took to it.   This might have been because of memories of going to a rink in Harringey many years before, where I fell over in a puddle of melted ice and got my trousers soaked, but was more likely due to the roughness of the ice surface.  It might have been prepared to be beautifully smooth when Torville and Dean performed, but was always terribly lumpy during public ice skating sessions, unlike the perfectly flat maple wood surface that roller skaters enjoyed.  Thinking about Haringey, I never really enjoyed trips to see Speedway there, as I found the races to be pretty formulaic and boring, whereas Stock Car racing events at the same arena were very exciting.